Appeals Court to Ken Paxton: Your Media Matters “Investigation” Is Hot Garbage, Just Like You
Let’s begin with a quick summary of how democracy is supposed to work: journalists report facts, public officials answer to the people, and no one uses state power to go full North Korea on the First Amendment.
Now here’s how it’s working in Texas: Ken Paxton, a man so allergic to ethics he probably sweats affidavit rejections, thought it would be cute to use his office to “investigate” Media Matters. Why? Because they published a factual report that made his buddy Elon Musk cry into his bespoke flamethrower collection.
And now, a federal appeals court—wielding logic like a flyswatter at a MAGA rally—just told Paxton exactly what we’ve all known since this started: yeah, this was retaliatory bullshit.
Let’s take a stroll through the flaming wreckage.
The Offense? Journalism. The Crime? Making Elon Musk Feel Feelings.
It all started when Media Matters did what media organizations are supposed to do: they looked into X (née Twitter, murdered by Musk) and reported that big-name advertisers like IBM and Apple were being placed next to neo-Nazi content.
Pause to absorb that. It wasn’t a hit piece. It wasn’t an opinion. It was a straightforward observation that fascist-adjacent posts were chilling next to family-friendly brands like Disney, which—shock of shocks—wasn’t exactly the vibe they were going for.
So advertisers pulled back. Cue Elon Musk melting down like a Hot Pocket in a microwave. Enter stage right: Ken Paxton and his traveling circus of performative outrage.
Paxton, with all the gravitas of a middle-school debate team dropout, decided to launch a consumer protection investigation. Into who? Media Matters. Not Twitter. Not the Nazi posters. Not the advertisers. No, no. Into the people who noticed.
Because if there’s one thing that screams “law and order,” it’s punishing the tattletale while letting the actual threat walk free.
How Bullshit Was It? Let Us Count the Ways.
First, the “crime” Media Matters committed wasn’t illegal. It wasn’t even misleading. No one, including Musk himself, disputed that the screenshots were real. The only debate was over methodology, i.e., how Media Matters got the screenshots. (Spoiler: they used the website. Like… normal humans.)
Second, this wasn’t just Musk going nuclear with his lawyers. That would’ve been sad but legal. This was Musk pulling strings with his pals in red-state governments—Texas and Missouri, to be exact—to launch official investigations. Using taxpayer-funded law enforcement power. Because billionaires having tantrums must be coddled with the full weight of the state.
And if you think that sounds like a fascist banana republic, congratulations! You’re paying attention.
Enter the Courts, Armed with Common Sense and a Copy of the Constitution
Media Matters wasn’t about to take this lying down. They sued to block these retaliatory investigations, and a lower court judge, clearly capable of reading and thinking at the same time (a rare combo in this saga), ruled the investigations were unconstitutional. You know, because they were.
That wasn’t enough for Texas, of course. They appealed. Because if there’s one thing Ken Paxton loves more than a nonsense legal theory, it’s wasting taxpayer money on performative lawsuits that get laughed out of court.
But last Friday, the DC Circuit Court of Appeals—hardly a bastion of lefty radicalism—shut this nonsense down. Hard.
Judge Harry Edwards: “This Is Not Just Dumb, It’s Unconstitutional”
Let’s meet our hero of the week: 84-year-old Judge Harry Edwards. A man with zero time for authoritarian cosplay, he dismantled Paxton’s case like it was a Wetzel’s Pretzel at a law clerk picnic.
Edwards wrote that Media Matters wasn’t just whining about a vague future threat. No, this was real. This was happening. And it was targeting them specifically for exercising their right to report inconvenient truths. You know, the First Amendment thing.
“Rather, the heart of Appellees’ claim is that the actions taken by Paxton are justiciable and warrant relief because they involve concrete and felt acts of retaliation…”
Translation: This ain’t theoretical. It’s not a thought experiment. This is a government official using his power like a rusty sledgehammer to go after people who published facts he didn’t like.
Paxton’s Defense: Shrugs in Bad Faith
Here’s where it gets truly laughable. Paxton didn’t even deny that the investigation was retaliatory. He didn’t refute the basic charge. He just… tried to weasel out on procedural grounds. You know: “They’re suing too early!” or “It’s not real harm yet!” or whatever law school cop-out they could dust off.
Judge Edwards was not impressed.
“Paxton has elided the compelling evidence of the campaign of retaliation against Appellees…”
“Elided,” in case you were wondering, is judicial for “tried to bullshit his way through this and hoped nobody noticed.”
This is the equivalent of getting caught lighting your neighbor’s house on fire and arguing that the smoke detector was too loud. You don’t deny the arson. You just act annoyed that someone called 911.
Paxton’s Lawsuit Fetish: A Brief Interlude
Let’s take a moment to acknowledge that Ken Paxton files garbage lawsuits the way most people breathe: constantly and with no self-awareness.
He’s sued:
Cities for not arresting enough immigrants.
The Biden administration for letting people vote.
Google, Twitter, Pfizer, and—wait for it—the Biden dog, Commander.
Okay, that last one isn’t real. Yet. But give it time.
This is a man who treats the judicial system like his personal grievance diary. He doesn’t sue to win. He sues to make noise. To score Fox News hits. To look tough to the same crowd that thought a golden calf was a good idea.
And this Media Matters fiasco is just the latest chapter in a long, stupid saga of weaponizing public office for personal vendettas.
Elon’s Role: Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius, Strikes Again
Of course, we can’t talk about this mess without mentioning the Billionaire Bond Villain himself, Elon Musk. A man whose commitment to free speech is rivaled only by his commitment to suing people who use it.
Elon’s whole meltdown began because Media Matters exposed what many already knew: when you dismantle content moderation, you don’t get “free speech.” You get ads for toothpaste next to swastikas.
Instead of fixing the issue, Musk did what he always does: point fingers, call names, and file lawsuits. He sued Media Matters. He told advertisers to “go fuck yourself” on live TV. And then he got Paxton and Missouri AG Andrew Bailey to launch “investigations” that were about as legal as a Times Square Rolex.
Musk didn’t just want to punish Media Matters. He wanted to make an example of them. Chill the rest of the press into silence. Turn his embarrassment into a public vendetta.
Because nothing says “tech visionary” like borrowing tactics from Joseph McCarthy’s Greatest Hits.
Bonus Round: The FTC Joins the Clown Parade
Just when you thought it couldn’t get more gross, here comes the FTC, chaired by Andrew Ferguson—no relation to common sense—who decided now was the perfect time to launch his investigation into Media Matters.
Why? Same “crime.” Same bullshit. Same Musk-induced whiplash.
Which is why the DC Circuit ruling is so perfectly timed. It doesn’t just tell Paxton to sit down and shut up. It sends a warning flare to other wannabe authoritarian bootlickers thinking about following his lead:
Using state power to punish journalism isn’t just wrong. It’s unconstitutional.
But let’s not kid ourselves. People like Ferguson don’t care. The cruelty isn’t a bug. It’s the entire business model. These cases aren’t meant to win. They’re meant to exhaust. Drain time, money, attention. Make future journalists think twice before crossing the Billionaire Sadboys Club.
What Now?
Well, for one, Media Matters can breathe a bit easier knowing that a federal court has their back, for now. But don’t expect Paxton or Musk to go quietly. They’ll keep suing. Keep barking. Keep smearing. Because losing in court doesn’t hurt them—it fuels them.
They’re not looking for legal victories. They’re building political brands. Victimhood is currency in this ecosystem. And nothing makes you look more like a First Amendment martyr than getting your anti-First Amendment stunts smacked down by judges.
As for the rest of us? We’ve got to keep shouting this from every rooftop:
Journalism isn’t a crime.
Reporting facts isn’t retaliation.
And the people using state power to punish speech are the real threat, not the ones writing the articles.
Final Thought: Maybe Do Your Job, Ken?
Hey Paxton—maybe instead of playing legal Calvinball with Musk’s bruised ego, you could… I don’t know… focus on the fact that you were almost impeached, indicted for securities fraud, and under FBI investigation?
You’re barely holding onto your job with both hands and a glue stick. Maybe this isn’t the moment to play constitutional chicken with federal courts.
But who are we kidding? Of course, you’ll try again. You’re Ken Paxton. You’ve got more bullshit to spread than a QAnon subreddit.
And we’ll be here. Watching. Mocking. Reporting.
Because the First Amendment still exists.
Even if you don’t believe in it.
[Author’s Note: Yes, the cruelty is the point. But so is the resistance.]
